I remember when I first started coming to Hope, I had this humungus wall up. I would only let people in so far, then that would be it. I was afraid of rejection and was bleeding from open wounds. That wall served me very well. I was a rock, it was probably the only thing that kept me from jumping off an extremely tall building.
Then I started to get to know people and let them in. A few bricks came tumbling down. They loved me for who I was and not because of what I did. God started working on me a little bit and a few more bricks came tumbling down.
The wall right now is almost completely gone and now I am scrambling to put it back up. I am working with someone I have no desire to be friends with, so up go a few bricks. Her husband just left her and instead of being comforting I run away, up goes a few more bricks. My co-worker is angry at me and up goes a few more bricks. I have an injury, more bricks.
I find myself isolating a bit. "Stay away from my wall." If you knock it down I will feel pain, I will feel guilt and I will feel sadness. I also will not feel joy, hapiness, love and peace. Is feeling pain worth it to feel these other happy emotions? Or will it just be easier to be a rock and let no one in? I will not get hurt because there will be no one around but there will be no pain. But even if I am a rock the pain will still be there, it will just be hidden.
1 comment:
I had a huge wall, a secret room I called it, where no one could enter, and if you tried, you probably got your fingers slammed in or my foot in your butt. But as God's timing is so perfect, He slowly and gently opened my door, and yes, on the other side was pain, but just on the other side was forgiveness, mercy, love and freedom, amazing freedom. A freedom that would never have come, had I not allowed God into my secret room. You are in a good place, He is patient with you. He will finish what He's started, He will not leave you here.
But something to keep in mind, that jumping off that big tall building is awesome, your Heavenly Father is always waiting to catch you at the bottom. All the cliffs I've jumped off can testify to that. Love ya, you have come so far. I remember when you were so closed up, you are not like that anymore at all. Don't let the enemy come in and tell you otherwise. Sometimes old habits die hard, it's what we're used to, it's what we know, but God is still in us showering us with the grace to walk away from those habits. But that's all they are, habits, they do not define you, or the love Christ has for you. Blessings.
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